A SERIES OF RANTS ABOUT STUFF MOST PEOPLE DO NOT CARE TO LISTEN TO AND AN ON-GOING COLLECTION OF PHOTOS MOST PEOLE WOULD NOT CARE TO SHOOT.
Rant 1: MIDNIGHT TO 5AM
What happens to the time between midnight and 5AM? This is a question that boggles my fucking brain. How many times have you been on the right track to being home early and relatively sober when all of a sudden its 5 AM? It happens to me all the time. Like some sort of anomaly, the time disappears in a vacuum. I’ll say to my girlfriend, “hey baby, yeah I’m about to leave and be home in a bit” and every time without fail, I have a 5-hour long beer. How does this happen? I think I need to make a time-lapsed video of exactly what happens between these hours because I’m convinced it is nothing at all. There would be a video of the lost children who stay up late sitting in a circle, each taking approximately 5 hours to finish that one drink they had planned on finishing around midnight. Would the time-lapsed video be in fast forward or would it just look like regular motion because we were moving so god-damn slow. Anyways, I could use some feedback on this because to me it feels like some Twilight Zone shit.
RANT 2: Things To Hate (GTFO):
-Those pants that make girls’ butts look good. So you’re walking down the street and you see some bangin chick. Then she turns around and to your surprise the girl is ancient as fuck. The pants assist in the framing of the butt to make it look proper. Deception at its worst.
-This may get me in trouble but Old Asian Women cannot fucking drive. They like big cars like Mercedes and Range Rovers and drive like they’re in a fucking Mini. GTFO of my way. (I love hot Asian girls tho.)
-Comments on Hella Clips. For those who do not know what Hella Clips is, it is a website like youtube, but for skate videos only. The comments always end in some racist ass remarks because they are written by a bunch of little brats whose balls haven’t dropped yet. GTFO and go skate and stop being a bunch of whiny ass haters. I seriously may beat up some minors due to this shit. I can’t help myself but read the comments then I get angry at the world. Sorry.
-Yuppies/hipsters. God dam they are the worst. I have never met so many tattooed pussies in my life. Collared shirts, expensive glasses, expensive jeans and fucking Teva’s? Who thought of this busted-ass combination? They all do it. Sipping the most over-priced coffee known to man. Sporting girlfriends, cars and dogs that want nothing to do with this heinous lifestyle (outside of the “security”). Living in the “cool” neighborhoods/ displacing families and all the culture that was attractive in the first place. GTFO of the Mission before Christi and all of 24th Street gets buck. And stop drinking cheap beer because it’s cool. Buy some Moscato or some rich shit. Koooooooks.
RANT 3: DOUBLE NEGATIVE MAKES A POSITIVE
What’s weird is that I’m not a negative dude but when I get behind the keyboard I can’t think of anything positive to write about. This is totally a stretch but positivity may be the anti-thesis to anything interesting. I don’t like being around anyone positive except for my family and girlfriend. Positivity kills parties. TV is not positive and I love TV. Skateboarding is kinda positive but I have only ever liked the dirty, drunk, asshole, bully, broke, un-popular side of the “sport”. And now like so many other good things, skateboarding has become seriously mainstream. Anything mainstream is a turnoff because mainstream means money and money is a super turnoff (unless you’re trying to save me). Think about all of the shit in the media that we are exposed to on a daily basis through the fake ass “news” or commercials or whatever. It’s all bad stuff and we can’t get enough of it. I’ve found that there’s way more bad shit going on in the world because secretly we all enjoy hearing about other folk’s suffering and when we hear that a person or place is improving it makes us feel lesser; I whole heartedly feel that this is the case and sadly we live in a very interesting world because of all the drama.
Nobody cool wants to hear about good times except rich people and hippies and they are inherently un-cool (they are in the same group and each other’s nemesis’ at the same time). When I talk about where I have been in the world I come off like some pretentious asshole who is “so much more cultured and well versed than my layman friends” but I fucking love shit that is outside of my comfort zone and feel that this country is breeding the negativity. Fuck all these rules that date back to our (well not mine, maybe your) protestant forefathers here. Fuck the fact that it is frowned on to speak on things in public that we all do in private. If I’m rambling fuck off you negative kook.
The Facekook Dilemna: By O Sick
Let me start by saying that Suckerberg is a fucking Mark. I saw that movie (The Social Network). Some dweeb tried to make a name for himself so he could impress some ratchet ass sorority chicks and he became a billionaire. If his motivations had been elsewhere I may be a fan of his but no, he’s a succesful douchebag. Is it possible that the almighty, wonderful and ever-so-useful facekook may cause strife for many folk? Of course it is.
As to make this sound like a legitimate piece of writing we will examine the pro’s and con’s of Facebook. Honestly, fb has its uses: if you lose your phone you can still reach your friends, if you meet hot foreign chicks and you do not want to spend all your loot calling them you can write sleazy messages to them all day for free and you can waste a grip of time pervin out online learning a bunch of trivial shit about people you do not know or care to know. This is where the problem arises.
Before the instaboob/instacreep/instabrag phenomenon that is social media hit the scene, you could not get this close to your high school crush (“Mandy” for instance) without them telling you to, “save it” or “damn your breath is hittin”. Now, I know all about her trip to Cabo, I know which bands they’ve been listening to recently, where they are headed this weekend and I know that they just got out of a relationship with Chip. Yesssshhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck that dude Chip anyway. Now I can console her. Now I can make a move and go to that bar that she is going to this weekend (she always “checks in” there on Fridays). Now I can pretend I like the Goooombas (or whatever whack band it is she likes). Fucking great.
But, this much information being made readily available is a dangerous thing. Too much stimuli for this little brain. Now, after getting this “close” to “Mandy” I have realized that it is her younger sister Beth that is the “one.” Yes, now Mandy can “save it”. Beth is so much more refined. She did not spend all of her time on La Rambla in Barcelona (at least according to their pics). Beth instead, took a day trip to Sitges and lurked with the locals at MACBA. Beth is a babe. I need to friend her bruh, and STAT! See where I’m going with this?
We need to use facekook for self promotion while not getting wrapped up in other peoples self promotion; tricky huh? Most chicks only post the hottest photos of themselves anyways. I am going to do the same for the zine. From now on you will only see attractive shit in here, even if it is unattractive to look at but somehow very appealing like a rich, busted chick with “SWAG”. Fuck, I said swag, this might be the dumbest article ever. Sorry boutchya. Maybe facekook is better.