BIANCA GONZALEZ

 

BIA GUTS

 SUNDAY MORNING from Issue 4 by BG:

 

Ahhhhh Sunday… The “Lord’s Day”,  your beautiful day off… and as the

confused would call it… the day of rest.

But let’s not fucking kid ourselves. If you’re lurked out and properly

lumped sum like the crew we’ve got going here you know Sundays can be

tricky in fog city. It’s a day covered in all sorts of fluids and

smelly ass breath, but hey! We’re professionals. You can trust us that

this list is fail proof. You can wake your ass up from whatever

hopeful dream or shocking nightmare you’ve just put your liver,

nostrils, lungs, and susceptible psyche through. You’ve got plenty to

be proud of and easy times ahead of you. In it we wish that whatever

bridges you may have burned you have at least gained yet another

reason to party your sorrows away! That is.. if you make it past number 1.

 SO…

1. The AM I STILL ALIVE? check

You’re dreaming nothing and tits when you realize you’re waking up

still stupid drunk. Let the scolding golden sunshine seep past the gunk in your eyes that you can hardly rub

out (haha… rub out) it hurts to breathe BUT you have successfully

survived.. make sure no one else around you is dead either.

2. the WHERE THE FUCK AM I? check

once you open those still dilated eyeballs and the burning sizzling

light shines through those lids figure out your position in the universe. Ok so there’s

about 50-85% chance that you’ve made it home despite the Saturday

night shit show. If you’re at your pals crib in at the very least the bath tub casper style or ACTUAL LY your own bed

then you can proceed with the list worry free but ..Check the first

wall you see… are you in jail? If so you are FUCKED and you’ve got 10

minutes to figure out whom you’re going to spill your sob story to. Are you in the tenderloin? proceed to LA cafe and figure out the rest from there.

3. THE SHEET CHECK

…. Are you in a strange bed? Tough it out and lift the sheets and CHECK THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU. if the drunken slob you swore you wanted to

marry as she was showing you her butt piercing as you were doing a

rail off her crack in the Vallarta bathroom is actually a babe… AND

neither of you have pissed the bed.. stay a while and cuddle! Then

dip…. If they’re haggard… DIP ASAP… if the beast wakes up then tell him

you had work.. your dog ate your xannax and you live with your two

moms… WHATEVER just get the fuck out… if you’re a G and there’s two

babes continue to tap it and maybe you’ll all be playing golf over

screwdrivers next weekend. But like I said, we are professionals…

we’ve usually got it covered… usually

4. THE POCKET CHECK

“holy shit holy shit ok fuck so I brought my id in my pocket my purse,

my smokes… wait wtf I only have ONE smoke left I fucking bought these

right before I got to the bar, god i’m still so high, oh shit did I

lose my phone no sick ok ok ok dont puke don’t puke.. my weeds there i didin’t smoke all of

it, fucking ILL! my make up.. empty condom wrapper? fuuuuck.. ok my birth control pills my money… oh shit

my wallet….

5. the WALLET CHECK

YUUUUUUUUP… you went out at 11pm and it’s 2 pm and 3 hundred dollars

later… hopefully the stinging in your nose and the nine new holes in your brain was worth it

6. the phone check

To 415—5488 at 1:09 am: EY GIRL YOUR ASS KOOKED HELLA GOOD

SKIRT TONIG4HT I KNOWw I SAID I’D ONLY CALL YOU IF I NEEDED A GuD

HAIRCiUT AT YOU’RE SALOON OR WHATEVER YOU DO BUT YOUR SHIT GOT ME

GOOOOOIIIN

To 415—5488 at 2:37 am: …wh8er yup @?

To 415—5488 at 3:01 am: fine i gess u don wanna hang out wit me den HOE

7. THE PRIDE CHECK

did you…. Actually, you know, whatever fuck that noise, fuck you, fuck

them, fuck this trash ridden society, fuck the police, FUCK KONY, fuck having children, and FUCK PRIDE. ROCK’N’ROLL!!!

Whatever you did you fucking survived you lucky ass hole and you’ve

still got enough brain and booze to pickle yourself yet again after

this next week’s grind! If you’ve made it this far, perhaps a couple

bruises later, you’re WINNING!!!!

to that we tip our hats to you and your party

MEXICAN SHIT

 

 

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